Looking Past the Regrets
by laurzz
Summary: DannyLindsay. post-ep for 8x14. Danny yawned heavily as he ran his fingertips through his daughter's soft hair. Lucy was quickly drifting off to sleep, and Danny predicted that he wouldn't be far behind her.


**A/N: It's finally back! Hooray! I don't know about anyone else, but the time has flown - to which I'm glad about because I most definitely missed my Messers, (and hey, the rest of the team too!) So, so glad we got that DL scene. It was hilarious! Poor Lindsay - and who knew Danny was so clever? :p So, here is my post-ep. I was a little unsure of what to do - hence why it's taken me all day. So, I've combined the two ideas I had with a suggestion from daniellegirli over on twitter. I hope you guys like this. **

**Sorry I've been MIA for so long. I'm on my last teaching placement and I'm finding it super hard, so there's noooo time for writing. Not to mention my absolute -inserting string of curse words here- moron of a housemate decided to go into my room, take my laptop without permission, restore it to factory settings and lie about it - so all of my stories that were half finished and in progress from uh... oh, about 2008 onwards have gone forever. yes, can you imagine my level of anger? yeah. please feel free to vent your anger too. I know I have. **

**Also, if you haven't already, make sure you go and find the online petition for operation 9. sign it and make it known that we want another season of csi:ny please! **

**Anyway, that's most definitely enough of my ramblings. I hope you guys like this.**

**Special thanks to: **rapidetv, RandomTVFan30, Meggie, dantana-balscofanxoxo, operation 9, CTI-Jenn, gigglesforCSI, alexindigo, LoveShipper, alexindigo, dannylindsayfan, ILoveTheCubs, MesserFamilyFan300, Izzi Creo, shipperheart, afrozenheart412 and Daisy1966.

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><p>Danny yawned heavily as he ran his fingertips through his daughter's soft hair. Lucy was quickly drifting off to sleep, and Danny predicted that he wouldn't be far behind her. Usually both he and Lindsay were against letting Lucy fall asleep in their bed; especially after nearly three years of their usual bedtime routine… but tonight he didn't really want to be by himself. He was still waiting for Lindsay to get home and he knew that even though he was ridiculously tired, he wouldn't be able to sleep until she got home. So having Lucy next to him was the next best thing. Well, that and he always loved these quiet, thoughtful moments with his daughter.<p>

The case hadn't been particularly hard for him. It was just draining. He'd seen Lindsay and how she'd reacted to seeing Jessica, but he knew that for Lindsay, it was because she'd met Jessica's parents. She had the personal connection to them as opposed to the professional and anonymous connection. When they were dealing with their day-to-day duties, telling a family about their son or daughter never coming home again was one of the downsides to their job. It was that anonymity however that allowed them to function in having to have the same conversations so often. For Lindsay though, she'd seen their victim with her family, happy and in the prime of life. Now, it was a totally different situation.

Lindsay had actually finished work when he had about two hours ago, but after Mac had told Jessica's parents, she'd taken it upon herself to go and reintroduce herself to Jessica's parents and talk to them on a more personal level about Jessica as the person as opposed to Jessica the victim. He'd wanted to wait around for her and make sure she got home safe, but when he'd glanced at the time, he'd realised that it was getting close to Lucy's bedtime and as much as he wanted to make it home with Lindsay, he couldn't miss Lucy's bedtime.

They'd had dinner together, just father and daughter, and then they'd read a few story books – just like Jessica's father and Jessica would have years and years ago. Although he boasted his ability to compartmentalise; he knew that deep down, there was always some areas of the cases that they worked that made him tighten inside. He always felt that strike to his chest when he tried to imagine what it would feel like in the family's shoes. He hoped and prayed that he would never feel the loss of his treasured baby girl. He wanted to be long, long gone before anything happened to Lucy. He couldn't stomach the thought of anyone laying a finger on her.

Which was why, he knew, Lindsay had stuck around after work. Someone had nearly laid a finger on Lindsay all those years ago - and even though he hadn't known her until years after, he was thankful that somebody had spared her the same fate as her friends; because knowing his life as it was now – it wasn't even worth thinking about if he had never had her in his life.

He shifted slightly in his position as he looked down to where Lucy had snuggled against him. Her cheeks were rosy, her hair was already messy and she had the tiniest bit of drool collecting in the corner of her mouth. Her teddy that she insisted on having near when she slept, had been discarded behind her and she was instead using his thigh as a kind of teddy. Deciding that it was time to move her to her own room, Danny collected his daughter in his arms carefully and held her to his chest. He was about to haul himself out of the bed with her gently, but sat back against their bed for a moment as he gazed down at her.

He marvelled at the way she'd grown into quite the little girl. Although she still looked like his baby girl, her features were changing day by day. Her soft, baby hair was becoming longer, her speech was getting better and she looked more and more like Lindsay as each day passed. He often tried to imagine what she'd look like when she was older – and every time he did, all he could picture was a little, mini Lindsay just with blonde hair. He hoped that she'd get a mix of their best features. But, when it came down to it, so long as she was happy and healthy, he didn't care.

"You've got the right idea," a whisper sounded from the doorway. "A cuddle with her would make my night a million times better right now."

"I didn't hear you come in," Danny replied in the same, soft whisper. "How did it go?"

"Okay," Lindsay shrugged as she unwrapped her scarf from her neck and dropped her handbag on their bedroom floor. "Did she go to sleep okay?"

"Out like a light," Danny replied as Lindsay closed the distance between them to look at their sleeping daughter. "She was pretty tired I think."

Lindsay ran her fingers through Lucy's bangs, swiping them off her baby's warm face. "How did we manage to make something so beautiful?"

"Beats me," Danny whispered as he gently lowered their daughter so Lindsay could see her better. "She's getting so big."

Lindsay smiled as she ran her index finger over Lucy's rosy cheeks. "It's hard to think what our lives were like before we had her."

"Well, our life definitely wasn't what it is now," Danny surmised. "She did us a lot of favours."

Lindsay offered him a smile before turning back to their sleeping daughter. "You better go and put her into bed before she wakes up."

"Yeah," Danny nodded. "When I get back you can tell me about what happened, k?"

Lindsay sighed heavily but nodded anyway. "Careful with her," she said softly as Danny stood from the bed and leant down to grab her blanket and teddy. "Don't wake her up."

"This may come as a shock to you, babe, but I've been a Dad just as long as you've been a Mom. I got this, k?"

"Sorry," she blushed as she dug underneath her pillow for her pyjamas. "I know you know, I just have to say these things."

Rolling his eyes as he left the room, Lindsay began the task of undressing and getting herself ready for curling up in her bed next to her husband.

She had been looking at the couple sat in the break room with their head in their hands; and couldn't help herself as she let out a long, laboured sigh. She hated the look on broken hearted family members just after receiving the worst news one could ever imagine. She knew because not only did she see it every day; she'd been there. She'd received such news before. Granted it was almost a life time ago but the memories still sometimes struck her in the chest. It was usually the faces of mothers that engrained on her memory, but as she soaked in the image of Jessica's father sobbing into a tissue, she realised that no matter who it was; mother, father, sister, brother… telling somebody that their little girl wasn't coming home again was the hardest thing about what they did. At that point, she'd knocked on the door and reintroduced herself to the family; explaining that she was sorry for their loss. She wasn't entirely sure whether it was her place to do that kind of thing – but she figured it couldn't hurt to try and give the family a shoulder to cry on.

"So, how did it go?" Danny asked, breaking Lindsay's train of thoughts.

"Okay," she replied as she tugged her blue sweater over her head. "I think they remembered me."

"They did?" Danny blinked as he picked up Lindsay's sweater and tossed it into the clothes hamper. "You must have made quite the impression."

Lindsay smiled. "I was about seven months pregnant with Lucy."

"A definite impression was made then; were you shoving food into your mouth?"

"No, actually; I was throwing my folders and all the papers inside all over the lab."

Danny blinked at her in confusion.

"I had dropped my folders and was struggling to pick them up. God knows where you were to help, so Jessica's dad gathered them all for me."

"Nice guy," Danny commented.

"They were really nice," Lindsay nodded. "So proud of her, like I said before. It just really moved me. I didn't really understand that level of emotion I don't think. Not until we had Lucy. Now I can totally understand how they must have felt because I feel it with Lucy nearly every day."

"How are they holding up?"

Lindsay shrugged. "They're devastated; can't believe it… won't believe it. It's really hard I think. I get the impression she was an only child."

"That's a huge blow; your pride and joy, gone… just like that."

"It's not even worth thinking about," Lindsay sighed. "Not even worth it,"

"Nope," Danny shook his head. "What else did you guys talk about?"

"Jessica," she smiled. "I surprised myself with how much I knew about her. I managed to get them thinking about the good times and after that they were dealing with the news a lot better – but as we know, it'll come in waves. They'll think they're okay until it hits them again."

"Yep," Danny nodded. "Did you tell them about Kim?"

"No," Lindsay shook her head. "Mac had told them and I didn't feel like it was my place anyway."

"Yeah, I guess." Danny nodded. "I gotta admit, I was surprised."

"At Kim?"

"Yeah, but more at the fact that Harlen didn't do it."

"You thought he had?"

"Until I got to interrogation."

"Why?" Lindsay asked as she peeled off her slacks and threw them towards the laundry hamper.

"Did you know he had a thing for her?" Danny asked as he settled against his pile of pillows at the top of their bed.

"Who, Jessica?"

"Yeah… did you know?"

"Uh, yeah!" Lindsay implored as she pulled on her pyjama pants. "It was plainly obvious to about everyone but them… and you apparently."

"Well, this is coming from me… I don't have a very good track record of realising my feelings, do I?"

"This is true," Lindsay smiled. "It was the nickname that made my ears perk up… It just reminded me of you and I."

"It did?"

"Yeah!" she cried. "Does Montana ring any bells?"

"I was doing that to piss you off though."

"And Harlen was calling Jessica, Lana, to impress her with his level of knowledge. He was doing it for the attention; he just had a more mature way of going about it than you."

"Didn't do any harm." Danny scoffed.

"And something's just don't change," she giggled as she folded down the covers on her side of the bed and climbed in. She closed the distance between them and snuggled up against him, hooking her leg over his just like she always did.

"I know I was supposed to be questioning him for murder, but I felt sorry for the guy," Danny admitted. "He was genuinely upset about it."

"Well yeah, he would be," Lindsay pointed out. "It's not an easy thing to deal with the person that you feel for to be murdered like Jessica was. Look at how long it's taken Flack to cope with what happened to Angell."

"The thing is though, Jessica never knew how Harlen felt." Danny said softly. "He never told her."

Lindsay sighed heavily and twisted in Danny's arms. "I suppose he probably thought that there was always tomorrow that he could tell her."

"It just makes me realise how lucky I was with you," He said. "I mean I didn't tell you I loved you until you were pregnant. When I think about that it makes me so…angry with myself. I don't know what the hell I was waiting for. I can't even explain it. I just wasted so much time not telling you how I really felt."

"But everything worked out okay."

"What if it hadn't?" Danny countered. "Something could have easily happened to you, Linds; and you would have never known how I felt. How could I have lived with that?"

"You don't have to live with that though, I know exactly how you feel, and you know I feel the same."

"I know that babe, but Harlen has to life with that. I just can't imagine what that level of regret feels like. I mean, that burning feeling of you wanting to go back and change things would never go away. I still get that now… things I wish I could change."

"But if things hadn't happened in the way that they had, other things may not have happened as a result. And those things are probably why you did what you did. You learn from your mistakes, remember."

"Yeah, I know," Danny nodded. "It just gives you a little bit of perspective, doesn't it?" he mused. "I mean Harlen's probably sat at home, staring at a picture of Jessica, wishing he could tell her all the things he always wanted to but never did."

"He probably is," Lindsay nodded. "But you know what? You can't let that get to you. Harlen isn't you. You didn't make those mistakes, okay? You told me how you felt, and I'm right here… so rather than working yourself up about something you can't change; focus your energy on something else."

"Oh yeah?" Danny smirked, as his crushing feelings of regret that had settled in the pit of his stomach earlier dissipated. "How about I focus my energy on showing you how much I love you?"

Lindsay licked her lips as Danny shifted in his position and pinned her between himself and the mattress. She looked up at him through her eyelashes and giggled. "It's about time."

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><p><strong>There we have it. I hope you guys liked it. I'm really, really tired, so I'm posting this and going to nap. I've left it a little open ended, so I could add on a second chapter if anybody wants it? But I figured you guys could also use your imagination :p. I'd love to know what you thought so drop me a review. It's much appreciated! :) <strong>  
><strong>Thanks for reading! <strong>


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